Settling

Well, in an effort to get back to my work schedule, I went to sleep about 2 hours ago. . . Took a little bit but I finally fell into a "nap-like" sleep only to wake a little bit ago to the sounds of kids playing (they were supposed to be going to sleep when I did). So, Joel hollered at the kids and I can't sleep; oftentimes restless sleep means that I need to write and so here we go. . .

I've had a long list of blogging topics to write about: The boys' room makeover, how I feel about being catholic, my creed, the our father, SQL tips, letters to my children, goals I have for myself. . . etc, etc. So, where to start?

It's 2009 and, again, life feels like a blur. How on earth did it become 2009 already? Is it just me or does it feel like life is picking up speed? Admittedly, I seem to run in two speeds: "on" and "off." Vacation for me has been "off" mode: watching movies, cleaning a little bit, catching up on email, avoiding running errands :). Tomorrow I get to turn back "on": hurrying from meeting to meeting, trying to multi-task emails and questions with some tough intellectual work (learning my cube building skills, MDX, and learning to write dynamic SQL), running errands as I'm able to fit them in, and juggling carpool, bills, and trying to keep on the kids for homework and chores. Can I just say, "I don't wanna!" (sigh) And THIS is why 2008 passes in a blur.

I'd like to be more present in the moment. This holiday's epiphany was that I need to try to learn to "settle" to find time to be present. You must be thinking, "What the heck?!?!" For me, I realize that I push myself so hard because I expect that I should have not only the downstairs picked up but my desk picked up, everything vacuumed and dusted, and clean sheets on the bed each weekend. I hate the messes and want my house spotless all the time. I tend to feel guilty and depressed that I can never achieve complete spotlessness throughout the house.

I'd like us to eat a health, pyramid-like diet and to take the dogs for walks as a family. Having family outings and bike rides; perhaps something more physically active? Camping? Hiking? I admire the families that do that. I feel bummed when my family groans at me when I suggest this or they agree to a walk and it ends up being a "death march" in the rain. It's painful and leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

I'd like to write more and have daily, long-thought-out blogs that are inspiring and where I feel like a writer again. I'd like to complete a couple of big scrapbooks a year and be one of those people who can scrapbook every day and have these bright, funky pages that are really creative and inspire me. Alas, this is not my life.

My life? Getting up at 6 a.m. to hit the snooze button and drag my butt out of bed at 6:10 a.m. When I wake up, I go to Faith's room, flip on the light, and say "Good-morning! Time to get ready for school." I stumble back to my room to stare blankly at my closet and try to figure out what to wear: Nice dress shirt, curl the hair, and slacks? OR long-sleeved t-shirt, fleece vest, slacks, and a ponytail? . . . My co-workers know what I tend to pick. (At 6:15 a.m. I don't want to get out of my sweats and so fleece is a close second for comfort.) I usually get numerous interruptions with Faith showing me her stuffed animals, saying she can't find her ____ skirt (she often has something specific in mind), or Joel hollering about throwing him down a towel for his gym bag.

Me? I have to remind Faith to get ready, ask her to pick up her nightgown off the bathroom floor, and toss Joel down a towel. I put in my contacts (if my eyes aren't feeling especially gritty: then it would be a glasses day) throw on some concealer on the circles under my eyes, some blush because I still feel like the walking dead, and some mascara to cover the blond tips on my eyelashes. As I begin to brush my hair, Faith comes in and asks if I'll do her hair too. . . Usually this is accompanied by complaints about her tangles (then I put some detangling lotion in her hair) and she tells me precisely how she'd like her hair done. Admittedly, I think, "What's the point?" By the time Faith gets home her hair will be in her eyes and a tangled mess (she plays hard). I'd prefer to put some hair gel in her hair, put it in a tight pony tail, and be done with it! (This particular hair style is one of the few that last all day with her whispy blond hair.) Alas, most days we end up with a "Faithy-specified" hairstyle. Note: At this point, I'm still not feeling particularly awake.

Somehow, through the chaos of finding shoes (that were put away when I went to bed last night but that Faith has somehow lost in the past 5 minutes), getting back-packs and school snacks packed, and picking out a coat -- we're always running late . . . Or, at least, later than I'd like. The boys have been good enough to get themselves up and get ready; they're often watching TV as I leave and I feel guilty that I've barely acknowledged them (sigh). On the way into school it's Faithy's choice for music . . . As I run through the list of today's to-do's in my head she's asking me to put on something specific: I kick myself for not planning ahead because now I'm fumbling with my iphone's ipod player to try to find the song she's looking for -- I'm a terrible hazard while driving and I know this. I should really pull over and get it all set-up, but, again, we're late. Finding the song, she settles, comments on the moon, the sunrise, the fog, everything on the side of the road: Have I mentioned that Faith is a morning person?

We finally arrive at her school about 30 minutes later, I wait for Faith to re-dress herself in the car because somehow, during that 30 minute drive, she's unpacked her backpack, kicked off her shoes, and needs to put her coat back on. By the time we get into the school (the kid-packed gymnasium where she needs to be dropped off with her teacher), we're barely making it there in time before the bell rings (it often rings as we're walking through the door). When I drop her off, I hope to give her a big hug, kiss, and tell her to have a great day; what I get is "one more hug", me bending down to hug her, her starting to lift her legs (she weighs 80 lbs and is trying to hang from my neck), and me threatening to spank her butt if she does that again! She begs me to come to school with her for the day but I tell her that I have meetings (staying at school all day is something that I need to arrange ahead of time). By this point in the morning, I'm feeling pretty guilty as a parent and that things haven't started off smoothly.

However, I heave a sigh of relief as I jump back into the car (alone!) and head off to work. It's quiet. This is good. . . . But, the to-do list for the day is already running in my head and so I'm feeling behind even though I'm not yet late. (Admittedly, I'd prefer to get to work early, before everyone else has arrived and respond to email and wake-up more slowly. . . Pre-JC move and when I was working at the State and Joel had kid morning duty, I liked to arrive at work about 7:15 in the morning. . . It was awesome!) So, I hurry into work and begin my day. Mondays and Fridays have the least meetings and so I tend to walk a little slower into the building on those days. I feel guilty that I don't feel as productive, but, it's nice to take a minute or two. I respond to emails, chat with co-workers, try to solve the latest issues and problems, take a walk with friends, and try to squeeze in breakfast and lunch.

Usually at 3:30 I've finished my latest task but am trying to be aware of the time because I'll need to leave to pick up Faith in about an hour. . . That's always the hard point because it's a question of: Do I get involved with another project (where I tend to lose track of time) or try to do the "extra" work like entering my hours or filling out my expense reports, etc.? Depends on the day as to which I do. The "busy" days (Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays) can tend to feel like a marathon depending on the number of meetings. . . I need to talk to my cohort in Bellingham and I have a ton of questions or thoughts to share, but, at the same time, I don't want to start a call because then I'm not able to multi-task as well. Sick and wrong. So, there's a bit of an internal debate there. There are days where it's difficult to find time to go to the bathroom, let alone eat! I really think that meetings need to be scheduled with a 5 or 10 minute break between them! Having a 9 to 10 then 10 to 11:30 then 1 to 2, etc. meeting is really difficult! (sigh . . . And so it goes. . . )

I scramble out of work because I realize that I'm past when I needed to leave to get Faith -- it's a double-edged sword: I don't want to start packing up before it's time to leave because I'd like to get as much work done as possible, but when I wait I tend to lose track of time. :>P At Faith's school, I head in to pick her up in the cafeteria at her after-school program; usually Faith doesn't want to leave and she wants me to 'wait a minute'. Admittedly, I feel rushed because I either need to go to the bathroom because I had afternoon meetings, or I know that we have errands to run on the way home. I try to be present when she wants to show me her latest artwork. I ask her how her day was when we jump in the car and she says, "fine" as she grabs bear,bear and puts her fingers in her mouth. . . She's tired now. Some days she's cranky and wants to go somewhere before going home. Many days she's ready to nap. Thankfully, it's my choice for music on the way home and so I just click anything on.

The way home can involve a trip to Target for Comet, Drano, shoe laces, or whatever else is needed. It may involve stopping by Jerry's for a hose connector for the broken kitchen sink hose. It may involve stopping somewhere because I received a call that says, "Can you stop somewhere for food? We don't have anything to eat." . . . After work I'm tired and I dread those calls. I am a morning person and, when I leave work I think of all the things I should do when I get home and by the time I get home I'm pooped!

At home, I get asked what's for dinner first thing when I walk in the door. If it's Monday or Thursday I say, "Ask your father" . . . If it's Tuesday or Wednesday it's my night -- on a rare occassion I have thought ahead and thrown something in the crock-pot in the morning. Most times it's a scramble to figure out something quick and easy (again, I'm tired). Somehow the night flies by and it isn't until after the kids are in bed and asleep (9:30 ish) that I heave a sigh and sit down to check email or whatever. . . I channel surf and try to sleep by 10 p.m.

So, when I say "settle" -- at 10 p.m. I need to not be so hard on myself. My goals for myself? Throughout the day I'd like to be more present and turn off that running "to do" list . . . Perhaps I need to shorten it? Maybe my to-do's need to include days without chores and laundry and dishes. I need to not tell myself I'm constantly running late and how I should be writing or scrapbooking or taking the dogs for a walk with the kids. I need to accept where I am at the moment and appreciate when we get out for a walk -- it doesn't have to be daily. I'm working on having a different attitude. Know what I mean? And, as I work on this different attitude, I need to recognize to be gentle with myself . . . not so hard on myself.

So, here it is, 11:16 p.m. (an hour later) and Joel's just come to bed and is drumming his fingers as he waits for me to turn off my computer. (sigh) I will try to lower my standards for myself and to really stop and appreciate the gifts in my life: Special time with Faith each morning, a job that keeps me busy and satisfied, and a family that wants to spend time with me. These are good things. . . The rest. . . The rest I'll try to take in stride :>).